


(in the dark) we'll find each other

by Irrlichtertanz



Category: Spooks | MI-5
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Past Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-21
Updated: 2017-04-21
Packaged: 2018-10-22 03:54:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10689246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Irrlichtertanz/pseuds/Irrlichtertanz
Summary: After Adam's death, Ros isn't the same person she was anymore. She falls into a hole and nothing and no one seems able to get her out of there again. Until Lucas stands in front of her door one evening and makes her realize that she can't hole up forever. And shows her that she may not be missing Adam anymore, but someone entirely different.





	(in the dark) we'll find each other

**Author's Note:**

> Finally, I found the inspiration to dare to write something in this fandom. Even though I started with a completely non-canon pairing. But something in me told me, I had to do this. And here we are now.  
> Maybe there's someone out here, who stumbles across this little fic.
> 
> Since english isn't my native language, I'm from Germany, I'm always open to corrections regarding my grammar and stuff ... I'm still not 100% sure about that. So if you read this feel free to correct me!
> 
> Wordcount: 2521

Nothing is like it was, anymore, Ros isn't the same person she was, anymore. There is not much left of the cold, ruthless agent, because actually she just feels like a picture of misery, since Adam isn't there anymore, and she just wants to hide away, hide away, hide away and she'd love nothing better than to disappear completely.

-

She knows, actually, she should forget him and look ahead. Just do her job and be a reliable and dedicated leader for her team. A boss, whom they can respect and trust.  
But all this is so hard and she can't, just can't forget him.  
And this, even though Adam has broken her heart and only played with her.

-

At night, when she's alone in her dark, quiet flat, the dreams, the memories catch her up. Every night.  
She can hear his voice, whispering softly _»I love you, Ros«,_ she feels his breath blowing over her bare skin like a warm summer breeze. She feels his hands, which stroke slowly and tenderly over her arms, she feels his lips, which lie down on hers for a loving kiss.  
She opens her eyes, to look at him, to look into his bright, blue eyes, however all she sees is darkness. Darkness and her empty flat.  
She bites her tongue not to scream, and yet she can't prevent that tears are running down her cheeks.

-

She knows, that she has to stop thinking about him, she knows, that she has to stop missing him, because it will destroy her, sooner or later. But she just can't.  
Not even at work she can distract herself, because everything, just everything, reminds her of Adam.  
Harry, her colleagues, even her fucking new office, that used to be Adam's.  
Damn, she even can still sense the faint scent of his perfume in this rooms.  
So, how the hell shall she ever forget him?

-

She is well aware that her team has noticed all too well that she's no longer her old self. That something is wrong with her and she's actually just a shadow of herself, who only works instead of living.  
That there's not much left of the sharp-tongued Ros Myers she once was.  
She also knows, that the team is worried about her and maybe she hates it more than anything else. _To be weak. Not to be herself, anymore._  
Maybe that's the reason she always punts when Harry or Lucas or even Jo ask her what's wrong with her and want to know if and especially _how_ they can help her, because everytime she simply feels like she's failing in front of their eyes.

So she grits her teeth, struggles through the days, struggles through her everyday work, distracting her, at least for a few hours a day, from the hopeless emptiness that has spread in her, after Adam had died.

Just to break down completely when she's home again. _When she's alone again._  
When there's nothing left to distract her from Adam.

-

She hates herself for not being able to forget him, hates herself that she still loves him, even though he has broken her heart. And she hates him for having cheated on her and letting her fall, however, she hates him even more for the fact that he isn't here anymore and that she isn't able to shout all this in his face in a rage.

-

No matter what she tries to do, no matter how often she persuades herself that Adam isn't there anymore, that he has just broken her heart anyway, that it would be better not to think about him, he is still like an open wound in her heart, which simply doesn't want to heal. A wound she hasn't found any cure for yet.

-

So she buries herself late in the evening, after a long day at headquarters, under a lot of blankets on her sofa and just stares silently into her empty flat.  
_As so often lately._  
So she turns on the TV and watches some stupid talkshows, a Ros Myers would _never_ have watched in the past. But it just isn't like it used to be anymore, _she_ just isn't like she used to be anymore.  
And the nagging of the spoiled, stupid teenage brats drowns the roaring storm inside her, at least for a while.

-

She doesn't know how long she has been sitting there, staring absently at the television, as an energetic knocking and the annnoying, blatant sound of her doorbell, tears her from her thoughts, from her _confused tags of memory._  
Sighing, she turns off the sound of the TV and pauses for a few seconds on the sofa, the remote control in her hand, unsure what to do.  
Actually, she doesn't care who is at the door. She doesn't want to see anyone, anyway. It's enough for her, to have to communicate and interact with her team at the grid every day.  
And who the hell should want to visit her in her safehouse at this time? Who the hell would _want_ to visit her anyway?  
But the ringing continues, whoever was at the door, he would certainly not surrender so quickly.  
So she finally gets up to open the door. Just to turn off this annoying ringing.

-

When she opens the door, she is so perplexed at the first moment, that she isn't able to react at all. She'd really reckoned with everything, just not with that.  
»Hello, Ros.«  
Lucas stands in front of her, the arms full of DVDs, wine and chocolate and looks at her with a smile.  
Annoyed, she wants to slam the door in his face, but Lucas' capacity of reaction is significantly faster than hers, because he has already put a foot in the door.  
With a strange feeling in her stomach, she realizes that she must have been _quite_ distant from her old self, because otherwise she could have reacted much faster, than he did. She'd always been faster than Lucas. In everything.  
»What do you want, Lucas?«, she asks annoyed, rolling her eyes.  
Lucas chuckles. »Bear you company. What does it look like?«  
Slowly the anger boils up in Ros. »And what the hell makes you think I might want your company?«  
Her colleague utters a quiet sigh and looks at her, if he wanted to ask, whether he really had to explain this to her.  
»Ros, you need company, you're a teamplayer.You can't hide in your flat for the rest of your life.«  
She shrugs. »Ad why not? Why can't you just leave me alone?«  
»Because you need us, Ros. We're your family. And _we_ need _you._ «  
Seriously, he looks her in the blue eyes, until Ros finally surrenders and lets him in.

-

»What stuff are you dragging around?«, Ros asks a little softer, as she leads him into the living room.  
»Ah, I was afraid you would never ask«, Lucas grins, putting the things on her coffee table.  
»First of all, wine«, he says, holding the bottle of wine towards her. »Do you have some wine glasses anywhere?«  
He has a look around her living room, trying to find something that looks like it might contain dishes.  
»Wait«, Ros says with a chuckle, after all, and disappears in the kitchen. Shortly afterwards, she comes back with two wine glasses and a corkscrew.  
»Fine.«  
He grabs a large box of chocolates from the table and and throws it to her.  
»Chocolate? I don't eat chocolate, Lucas, all of you know that.«  
Lucas raises a warning finger. »Rubbish! Today you'll eat chocolate. Chocolate is supposed to release happiness hormones, and I think it's time to turn this mope, which Ros Myers has turned into, back into a smart, life - loving woman.«  
»Oh, thanks«, Ros replies dryly, but can't suppress a grin, as she meets Lucas' teasing gaze.  
»And last but not least we'd have some DVDs. And Ros, please don't tell me, that you don't have a DVD player.«  
Against her will she bursts into a short laughter. »Of course I have one. Who doesn't have one today?«  
Grinning, she hands Lucas the corkscrew. »Here. You brought the wine, so you have to open it.«  
Lucas gives her one of his murky looks, that Ros still can't interpret exactly and takes the corkscrew out of her hands and at this short touch, both of them startle briefly.  
But at least Lucas has regained his composure after a few seconds. »Your wish is my command.«

-

»So, what are we drinking to?«, he ask, looking at her in anticipation.  
Ros thinks about it for a while, before she answers. »The Friendship?«  
»That sounds good, I think«, Lucas agrees nodding, and the two of them clink glasses.  
»Okay. Which DVD shall I load first?«  
Asking she reaches out for the DVDs. »Give them to me, let's see what trash you brought.«  
He stares at her indignantly. »Hey. This is an exquisite selection. Carefully selected. I don't own any trash.«  
For a moment, they look at each other silently, Lucas offended and Ros incredulous, until she finally deals him a light shove against his shoulder and they both start laughing.  
»Now give them to me.«  
Curiously she peruses the pile of DVDs, muttering quietly to herself.  
»Let's watch this one«, she says, handing him the movie _The Hangover._  
Lucas looks at her skeptically. »Are you sure?«  
Ros nods. »Yes. You wanted to get rid of the mope, didn't you? At least _The Hangover_ is funny.«  
For a moment, he looks at her with a question mark on his face, before he gets up, turns on the DVD player and loads the DVD.

-

Shortly after, the two of them sit side by side on the couch, each of them careful to keep the _»safety gap«_ between them.  
However, when Lucas notices, how Ros relaxes beside him minute by minute, he also relaxes and sighs with relief.  
And when Ros' bright, lighthearted laughter fills the living-room, he can't suppress a happy smile. Because the past weeks must have been so hard for her, that Lucas has almost forgotten how beautiful her laughter actually sounds.

»Would you like another glass of wine?«, he asks about an hour and a half later, when Ros has just loaded the second movie and has sat down beside him on the couch again.  
»Yes, I'd love to«, she responds, smiling, and Lucas notices that a delicate blush has spread on her cheeks, but he can't tell whether it's down to the wine, or down to her laughter, or a little bit of both. Or if something entirely different is the cause for it.  
»So, which movie did you insert, now?«  
» _Zookeeper._ «  
»Oh, it's good«, Lucas says, handing her the wine glass.  
»I know«, Ros replies, a shiver running down her spine, as their hands touch. Quickly, she glances at Lucas, and the sparkle in his eyes, tells her that he must have felt something alike.  
And bit by bit she realizes, that perhaps it isn't Adam anymore, whom she misses, but just someone. Someone, who's with her, someone who understands her. _Someone who understands the horrors of her work._  
Someone, with whom she can be just Ros.

-

Lucas can't tell exactly what makes him put his arm around her shoulder and pull her close and actually he doesn't even care.  
For him, it just matters, that she doesn't back away from him, but instead sinks against him with a quiet sigh.  
»I think, you're right, Lucas. Apparently I really needed company.«  
»Do you feel better?«, worriedly he looks at her.  
She nods. »Much better. I think, gradually I feel like _Ros_ again. Like myself.«  
Lucas is silent for a while, before he replies with a chuckle: »Except for the fact, that _Ros_ would already have made mincemeat out of me, if I had tried to put my arm around her shoulder.«  
Slowly she lifts her head to look him in the eyes.  
And Lucas feels like _something's_ happening inside him. Why has he never noticed _how beautiful_ her blue eyes really are?  
»Lucas -.«  
»Huh?«, he mutters absent-mindedly, as he moves his face closer towards her, almost unwittingly.  
»I don't know if we should do that«, she whispers, but Lucas quickly puts a finger on her lips.  
»Sht. Don't be afraid, but I just wanted to do that for too long.«  
And before Ros has really realized what's happening, Lucas' lips lie on hers.  
Warm and soft and nothing like Adam's.  
Gently, Lucas wraps his arms around her and pulls her close again, and Ros wraps her arms around his neck, just before she buries her hands in his short, dark hair, while her heart is beating faster and faster.  
She can't help admitting to herself that this kiss, Lucas' lips, his arms around her waist, feel amazingly good, much too good as they should feel.

-

 

»I know it's not easy, Ros. But don't you think, Adam would want you to be happy?«, Lucas asks as they're lying on her couch, closely cuddled together, with intertwined legs, if they weren't two single bodies, but a single tangled knot of limbs.  
Ros is silent for a while and dwells on her thoughts.  
Her own, wild beating heart finally gives her the answer. Since Adam's death, she hasn't felt so _alive,_ like this evening. Since Adam's death, her heart hasn't beaten so fast, like it does during this kiss.  
»Yes, I think he would want me to be happy.«  
Smiling, she looks at Lucas and lays her hands on his chest. »But I need time, okay? Can we take this whole thing ... slow?«  
Lucas presses a light kiss on her forehead. »As long as you tell me that it's not completely hopeless, I'll give you all the time in the world.«  
Happy, she snuggles into him and breathes a kiss on his lips. »I don't think it's hopeless, Lucas. I just need time. I don't want to mess up the next relationship, when I'm still caught in the end of my last affair.«  
Calming, Lucas strokes her hair. »I understand that, Ros. We have time. Now, we have all the time in the world.«  
»Thank you«, she whispers softly, trying to put all of that into her voice, that she isn't able to put into words yet, while she realizes, that maybe Lucas is the healing balm she has been looking for for so long.  
And Lucas understands her, as he pulls her close to him and she rests her head on his shoulder.

_It's a beginning. And that is much more than he has ever hoped for._

 

+


End file.
